Sunday, 15 September 2013


Ok, bear with me this week: it may not be my best work. I'm not great with more emotional items and I know what I want to say but not really how to say it. However, I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks and a lot of self-examination but this post starts from one sentence.

There is one phrase that I've heard in my life that haunts me. It comes back to me at least once a week and it often pains me to think of. Five words that helped shape me today and that may shape me in the future. Those words were simply 'Somebody should control your friend' and were spoken at a party I was at during New Years which, funnily enough, became the best party I had been at in a long time. Now I don't want to give you the wrong impression: it was nothing malicious or dangerous or anything like that. I was just playing a silly joke on a friend that was probably a bit too childish for a group of 25 year olds... I was merely trying to imply about a certain cream for a certain 'ailment'.

To be honest, I'm not sure I was meant to hear it either but it stuck with me. It horrified me at the time and still does a little bit. It made me wonder about the person I was. Was I an awful person for the joke? Stupid? Childish? Was I out of control? Now, I have the tendency to overreact but this struck me hard and probably rightfully so. It stuck with me and I never knew what I should do with it.

Then it came rushing back to me this week when I had been doing a lot of reflecting on my life: thinking about my goals and who I wanted to be and I decided to use it to look at my life. I then also began to have a look at my goals in life and I realised that I've been idle as well as childish. Sure, when it comes to work, I work hard and always do what needs done and then some but in my personal life, I've become stale and stuck.

From this, I decided to go back to a list I posted near the start of this blog: a list of my goals that I wanted to complete before I was 30 and see what I had done. Along with this, I had posted this motivational speech that got my blood boiling and my motivational juices running.

The difficult thing for me is motivation, I will be flat out honest. As noted, I am often lazy and lethargic but I plan to change that. Can’t change a leopards spots? Adobe Photoshop, bitch! These days you can have that leopard in zebra stripes riding a fire-breathing bear that can fly. So, in the interest of changing my spot, I have a plan. You see, I have a list. A list that I carry in my wallet at all times with me. A list that no-one knows about or has seen, other than me. A list that has my hopes, dreams and goals written on it. A list I am going to publish here. Why? It will motivate me as I have will have informed everyone what I plan to do. So, I invited you all to get involved with my goals, my dreams and my future. Shout at me for not being proactive enough; mock me for having something silly on my list; celebrate my completion of items; but overall, get involved

But did it work? No, it didn't. Out of my entire list, I have completed one item which was visit Japan and even that was a compromise. In over 2 years, I haven't even planted a tree or started a podcast. Get married? Ha! I'm no closer to getting a girlfriend than I am solving world hunger, let alone getting married. Sure, I've started writing my anime again but that took me over a year to start.

So what does this have to do with that sentence? This sentence, with the realisation that I've not come closer to my goals due to my childishness and idleness, has helped me decide the person I want to be. I no longer want to be someone who lies in bed at night regretting all the things I either did or didn't do. I want to be a person who knows what he wants and lives life to the fullest whilst not being a fool or a burden to others. If it takes me out of my comfort zone, that's fine: motivation without action is useless and you need to be willing to experience the new but I also don't want to forsake what I enjoy either. You need the balance in my opinion.

This won't be easy. We've all seen that I can do a pretty motivational speech and that little comes out of it. No, what I need to do is take a long hard look at my life and work out what's stopping me from doing this and then try to fix it. Maybe then I can move forward and the fact of the matter is, the only person who can control me is me.

Pick of the Week

Finding Quiet and Mindfulness Through Food – Thanks to Michael (as usual) for this link. If you enjoy travelling and enjoy trying new foods, then this is worth a read. The author discusses how to use local food to connect to the country you're in. A great read.

Music of the Week

Perhaps fitting for this week's tone: Nirvana – You know you're right. Enjoy.

See you all next week.

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